спустя год оффлайна идке зашел в кликалку и активно начал ставить скоры на картах вот Ждали этого 10 тысяч лет
The (hopefully) unbiased story. During early 2019, I hosted a lot of Killing Floor 2, 12 player lobbies in my Twitch Discord server. I met a lot of great people here, many which are my friends to this day. The girl and I met this way, and we started playing games more and eventually we started dating somewhere in June 2019. I asked her about her age in March, where she responded “I'm about to turn 16,” which I have mistaken for her turning 17 on her birthday somehow. I dated her thinking she was 17 when I was 18 at the time. She told me she was actually 15 sometime after we started dating, and I felt disgusted with myself. However, I loved her a lot and had a lot of trouble letting her go. However, she told me she would kill herself without me and told me that she relied on me. I didn’t know how to respond, and I never wanted her to hurt herself because of something I did. We continued to talk a lot, and hang around each other a lot. However, we were still sexting. I tried to cope with myself by saying something ridiculous such as, “I would do X when you turn 18.” I would also say things such as “I do not want to do these things unless you want to, not because of me.” I never stopped feeling sick with myself however. She would tell me that I “wasn’t a pedophile” and try to reassure me as well, despite me constantly saying I was. This got to me and I believed her later. After she became 16, I started pressuring her for nudes. She was reluctant so I stopped. A few days after she sent me an image of her nudes, and I was snapped back to reality, realizing the atrocity I have committed. I had mental breakdowns from this point on. I needed advice. I needed someone to judge me. I told my friend in June 2020, about how I was dating a 16 year old, but failed to mention that I sexted her. He gave me advice saying that I should try to break up with her, and I did a few days after. I felt free, yet conflicted. I still couldn’t live with myself knowing that I made an underaged person send me nudes and sexted her. However, she was heartbroken that I left, thinking it was all her fault for me leaving. In turn, she hurt herself. I didn’t know what to do. I still cared for her. I went back to her. At this point, I felt like I had nothing to live for, as if I had come to terms with the acts I have done. We continued to sext as if nothing happened. She ended up finding her passion and broke up with me in October or November 2020. I ended up feeling heartbroken. I felt like I just lost everything. I lost myself, and her. I told her that I would like to remove her so I can get over her in turn. She agreed and let me go. Sometime in December, she messaged me, saying that she misses me and “hates not being able to be friends with me.” We started being friends again, playing games, calling and everything. This happened twice, where I would have breakdowns about what I have done; where I would tell her I need time alone and she agreed. In January, I snapped. When she joined voice chat, I couldn't be near her anymore, and I left, ghosting her. I told her that I cannot be friends with her and I feel more and more manipulated the longer I am with her. She became angry. I was planning to silently suicide, the day after the incident. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I just wanted to have peace. My friends came to me and interrogated me, and I believe that I unintentionally made it sound like it was all her fault for how I wanted to suicide, but it isn’t. It is mine. I had a terrible breakdown in voice call with my friends again, realizing I shouldn’t have tried to kill myself. No one at this point still knew about our sexting. One week after, she messaged me, rightfully angry about how I tried to make her look bad, though it wasn’t my intention. We had a talk, and I told her my intention about my planned suicide. I didn’t want to mention it but I was sure I was going to die sooner or later. We left in peace, or so I thought. Now it’s yesterday. She has told multiple people about the sexting, and angrily told me that I was manipulating her, that I was playing with her emotions for telling her that I wanted to suicide. I panicked, told her I loved her and said goodbye. I didn’t mention that I would suicide at this point, and tied a noose. My tweet, telling my short, last words to everybody, did however. My brother came to my rescue. I was mere seconds away from jumping down the table. I don’t think I would’ve died unless I didn’t say anything in hindsight, my method of suicide was not instant. Though in all honesty, I wish it was. Final words Yes. I am a disgusting freak. I don’t believe I should deserve to live still. You may be wondering if I wanted to suicide as as method to escape. You are not wrong for thinking that. I wanted to escape, but own up to my actions. I am not the person you think I am, and I shouldn’t have hid it from everyone. My tweet holds true, you all changed my life, and made these last few years worth living. Without any of you, I would not be happy as I was today. I wish I could’ve been the same to all of you, to be a role model and try to prevent others from making the same mistake I have. If this situation happens to you, do NOT hesitate to leave. You are hurting the other person in the short term, but you are killing yourself in the long term. Be stronger than I was. Be strong to be able to leave someone you love. I do NOT want you to accept, forgive, or normalize my disgusting behavior. It is an awful thing I have committed and should never in any circumstance be forgiven. However, I hope that all who share the same circumstance can learn from my failure. I understand if you hate me, find me disgusting, or despise me. I do too. I am not sure what to do after, I’m not sure where life will take me, or if I will ever be able to come to terms with myself. I’ve been trying to fight to stay alive since then. Though, one thing is for sure; I thank you all for the time you have given me. I still don’t believe I have long to live, still don’t believe I should be here, or deserve any one of you: my friends, fans, and my family. I love you all. Stay safe everyone. All of you are worth it. This holds true no matter what.